Chapter 1: The Great Science Withdrawal

Residents of red counties are bracing themselves for potential shifts in the fundamental laws of the Universe. Many are stockpiling canned goods, hydroxychloroquine, and ammunition in anticipation of the changes.

Science has officially declared it will cease operations in red counties starting June 1, a move that has already led to a 62% surge in Merck’s stock price, the maker of ivermectin.

Rumors regarding Science’s departure began circulating last April, following Law's initial decision to withdraw from these regions. This decision came in the wake of the Capitol attack and the reluctance of many Republicans to label the assailants as criminals. Law concluded it could no longer function effectively in an environment where its legitimacy was seen as optional.

According to a representative from Science, the four-month transition period is designed to allow red counties to determine how they will navigate existence without scientific principles.

“Pseudoscience has some critical choices to make,” the spokesperson noted. “Will gravity continue to be defined by the warping of spacetime, or will it be interpreted as divine intervention, where God prevents your Jalapeno Poutine Mini Donut Bowl from floating away while you watch reruns of Duck Dynasty? Will evolution be upheld, or will we entertain the notion that diseases like Ebola exist merely to remind humanists of their place?”

When asked if Science believed red counties could manage without it, the spokesperson sighed.

“Honestly? Who cares. Science has provided centuries of rigorous research and innovation to the GOP, which they seem to take for granted—unless, of course, it interrupts their favorite shows. They complain whenever Science delivers an inconvenient truth, like the connection between California's wildfires and climate change—not to mention the fallacy of Jewish space lasers.”

In response to whether Science might reconsider its stance, the spokesperson grimaced.

“Galileo faced persecution for promoting heliocentrism, a concept now widely accepted—except by certain individuals. We’ve seen enough of our esteemed figures, like Dr. Fauci, being vilified by mobs of misinformed individuals. We’re done.”

Medicine, as a subset of Science, will also be withdrawing, leaving the field open for figures like Joe Rogan, Rand Paul, and Dr. Phil to take center stage. Rogan expressed enthusiasm for the changes ahead.

“Why use traditional stents when we could utilize crazy straws? I just bought a massive supply. It’s going to be a game-changer. Well, that could have been phrased better. Just saying.”

Mitch McConnell (R-KY) dismissed the withdrawal as a “Democratic stunt orchestrated by left-wing alarmists.” He added, “America’s main goal should be to elevate me to Mount Olympus, not to entertain complaints about black lung from locals. If we need to reinvent chemistry, so be it. Let’s focus on what truly matters: preserving the filibuster.”

Governor Greg Gianforte (R-MT) joined the fray, remarking, “We’re tired of Science whining about its treatment of Galileo, another elitist unable to relate to real American patriots.” When challenged by a reporter about Galileo's historical context, Gianforte resorted to his usual tactic of physical confrontation.

As a consequence, Journalism convened with History, Mathematics, and other fields to deliberate on whether to follow Science’s example and withdraw from red counties. Math claimed it had the votes to exit based on complex calculations. History asserted that the meeting would be remembered for ages, “like the Yalta Conference, but without a dictator.” Logic humorously suggested they might include more disciplines through the Monotonicity of entailment.

Donald Trump dismissed worries about the implications of Science's exit for his supporters, who might transform into dark energy with no scientific laws to guide them.

“Astronomology? Chemics? Biogonomy? None of them voted for me, except for Dr. Oz, who’s fine for a guy with a prayer rug. We’ll build a wall to keep scientists out. I’ve got plenty of pseudoscientists. Why would I need real scientists?”

He concluded, “Can I still order a Triple Whopper with Cheese?”

The first video titled "Students tackle abandoned mine drainage | Healing the Red Moshannon" showcases student efforts in environmental healing, reflecting on the themes of responsibility and community engagement.

The second video "138: Red Enlightenment - Socialism, Science & Spirituality (ft. Graham Jones)" explores the intersection of political ideology, scientific inquiry, and spiritual beliefs, framing a discussion relevant to the current political climate.