You Might Be Misunderstanding the Art of Apologizing
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Chapter 1: The Impact of Apologies on Relationships
Recently, I found myself in a situation where I deeply hurt someone close to me. In a moment of irritation, I said things that were more damaging than I could have imagined. The weight of guilt and shame hung over me, making me despise my actions. This was not typical behavior for me, and I was still grappling with the aftermath days later.
Why was I struggling to move on?
I had apologized repeatedly, thinking that my words would suffice to mend the hurt I caused. However, it became clear that this wasn’t enough.
The crux of the issue was that my apologies were rooted in selfishness.
Selfish apologies are common; they often leave the person apologizing feeling relieved. Initially, we might feel awkward or ashamed, but once we utter the words "I'm sorry," we often feel a sense of accomplishment. However, this feeling does not necessarily translate to the other person feeling reassured.
Many times, the apology serves only to comfort the one delivering it. I’ve experienced this myself—someone has apologized, but it didn’t erase my feelings of hurt.
When apologies fall flat, it's often because they stem from self-serving motivations. I was guilty of this too. My aim was not to alleviate the other person's pain but rather to seek validation for my own feelings. Even when they accepted my apology, my discomfort lingered because I could sense their ongoing hurt. Selfish apologies provide fleeting relief without resolving the underlying issues.
To truly mend our relationship, I needed to offer a selfless apology.
Chapter 2: How to Deliver a Selfless Apology
Offering a genuine, selfless apology requires adhering to three essential principles:
Section 2.1: Be Completely Honest
Begin your apology with full acknowledgment of your wrongdoing. Avoid downplaying the situation or using vague language.
For instance, don't say: “You know, last week, when that happened, like, the thing when I, like, told that joke and you thought it was about you…”
Instead, say: “I made fun of you behind your back. That was completely wrong.”
Section 2.2: Avoid Excuses and Blame
The person you hurt is not interested in your justifications. Excuses are inherently self-centered. You're not genuinely apologizing; you're trying to rationalize your behavior.
Do not shift any blame onto them, even partially. Own up to your actions entirely.
For example, don’t say: “I know it sounded like I was making fun of you, but really, I was talking about…”
Instead, say: “I am sorry about what happened. I shouldn’t have done that. I sincerely apologize.”
Section 2.3: Allow Them to Decide
Apologizing involves two parties: the one apologizing and the one receiving the apology. You must give the other person the freedom to accept or decline your apology. They may need more time or desire a more heartfelt expression of regret.
This can be painful, but it’s vital to respect their feelings. By allowing space for their choice, you offer support without imposing.
You might say: “Do you accept my apology? If not, that’s completely okay. It’s your decision.”
Conclusion
After I made a selfless apology, and they accepted it, our relationship returned to a sense of normalcy. Apologies are complex; they require more than simply saying a few words and moving on. Selfish apologies are common and often ineffective.
By following these principles, you can deliver meaningful, selfless apologies.
What has been your experience with selfish apologies? Are you adept at offering genuine apologies?