Embracing Change: A Journey of Self-Love and Polyamory
Written on
Chapter 1: A Transformative Rainy Day
It had been about a month since I became mutuals with someone on social media, exchanging likes and retweets occasionally. Then, a fortnight ago, she posted a picture that called for a thoughtful reply. That day marked a significant shift—the day it rained in Southern California.
Working on My Self
Reflecting back to November 2021, I had just acknowledged my identity as transgender. I had a heartfelt conversation with myself:
“I need to focus on self-improvement, so it’s best if I remain single.”
My inner voice replied, “You’re likely saying that because you believe you’ll feel unattractive for a while.”
“Touché,” I admitted. My inner self knows me well.
Despite my negative thoughts, I recognized that if I became too involved with someone else—as I often did—I would jeopardize my transition and lose the essence of who I was. I almost let that happen several times. Each new connection led to flirting and relationship escalation. It’s a cliché, but there’s truth in it; I was attempting to fill a void within myself with someone else's presence. Yes, that double meaning was intentional.
For months, I tried to solve this puzzle by forcing pieces of another person into that empty space, but it never worked. I realized that change was necessary. I needed to evolve. I had to learn to love myself. While it’s easy to type, the execution is far more challenging, yet practice leads to mastery.
“I had to learn to love myself.”
I adjusted my sleep routine, improved my diet, and ensured I stayed hydrated. I set reminders to take my medication consistently and began treating myself with kindness, offering compliments regularly. I danced more and worked on my breathing to cultivate patience.
By nurturing myself as I would someone else, I began to fill that emptiness on my own. It felt like rediscovering a long-lost key that fit a forgotten lock.
“You know what? You’re pretty great,” I told myself.
“Thank you! I think you’re wonderful too,” I imagined my inner voice responding with a playful grin. “But I do have a suggestion.”
“Please share!” I welcomed the insight, knowing my inner self often offered valuable advice.
“You should avoid mixing metaphors,” my inner self smugly suggested.
“Point taken.” The journey of self-improvement is ongoing.
Coming Out as Trans to My Hair Stylist
I found myself reflecting on Logan Silkwood's advice to write letters...
Can I Find Happiness Alone?
A week ago, I attended my hairstylist friend's thirtieth birthday celebration, determined to enjoy myself. Clad in an outfit I had bought for Pride that I hadn’t had the opportunity to wear, I felt confident. This event was my first as my true self outside of a queer setting, and as far as I knew, everyone present identified as cisgender. The last time I had seen many of these individuals was before the pandemic—before Victoria.
I experienced some misgendering and had to correct my pronouns multiple times. A few people didn’t recognize me, requiring reintroductions, and my deadname was mentioned occasionally. Yet, by the end of the night, none of that overshadowed my joy. I had an amazing time! I didn’t rely on external validation because I had come to love myself. Any external recognition was simply a bonus.
Logan's Insights on Polyamory
Polyamory? It feels more like solo-amory to me…
Though I am still new to polyamory, having spent most of my life in monogamous relationships, I am drawn to this ethical non-monogamous approach for its freedom, opportunities for personal growth, and the new experiences it brings. If you’ve followed my earlier works, you know I have a fascination with mirrors. Each person we meet acts as a reflection of ourselves, showcasing our preferences and aversions. I yearn to explore the essence of others, and polyamory provides that opportunity.
Transgender Transformation
Caught in my chaotic thoughts, I find that misunderstood reflections can lead to misinterpretations; countless meditations can amend...
I strongly encourage you to read Logan Silkwood’s writings on polyamory (linked above) for deeper insights into ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and relationship anarchy. I consider him my queer polyamory mentor and have absorbed many valuable lessons from his work. One important takeaway is to capture fleeting romances in the moment so that fond memories are preserved over time.
Let’s cherish real moments together while we can. -Logan Silkwood